things can go wrong, but..

I've been keeping so many drafts in here.

I've been wanting to write so many stories of my life but I always hesitate and I ended up holding myself back.

Today is the beginning of the 2nd week of my degree life, and as Kim Kibum of SHINee used to say about his first apartments with his bandmates, it's disaster and hell. (at least for the first week!)

For me that would be an exaggeration of what's really happened but I want to describe as such because of my emotional state. I remember reading Aiman Azlan's book, 'Unshakeable' where he mentioned about catastrophic thinking. Welp, I believe that's pretty much the situation and circumstances here.

When you are experiencing something bad and struggling with it (especially) emotionally, you tend to say bad things about it too, right?

"This is the worst day of my life" might be one of the phrases that'd possibly come out at that time.

Frankly speaking, I know I've been acting that way, too. Not the best way of living if you ask me, :) 

//

Hence why I want to write here. I want to remind myself of the process.

I need to understand how this is evolving myself.

How I do not heal the way I needed to and how it left so much scars on me.

Hence why today I want to share a lil bit about what I've been experiencing, since.. I dont know when.

 I tend to forget about stuffs that hurt me. So I won't feel more hurt in the future.

But all in all, I do not forget everything. I remember and they leave so much scars on me. That's why I really love the song 'Scars to Your Beautiful' by Alessia Cara.

She don't see her perfect, she don't understand she's worth it
Or that beauty goes deeper than the surface, oh, oh
So to all the girls that's hurting
Let me be your mirror, help you see a little bit clearer
The light that shines within

I love how she mentions the 'surface'. 

-

When I feel hurt, it clearly shows up on my face. I usually won't be able to hide my feelings and emotions. I would be so quiet, and ignore everyone around me. Most of the time I would shut everybody out, I don't eat, I don't drink, I don't read. I don't do anything that would suck up my energy.

Can you relate?

This behavior can go on for a week, and the longest was two.

I know how it feels to be shut out. But I do it anyway. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm not normal. It kinda feels surreal that I can behave like that towards others, and dont expect myself to hurt when others might do it to me as well.

But trust me, there's a point to that.

When I am emotionally hurt, I am so so afraid that I'll be hurting others by my words.

I dont really get mad at people verbally but when I do, I go hard on them.

We know ourselves better than others, right ? :)

 -

I don't really remember my emotional condition throughout grwoing up even though I believe that's a vital part of my life. That being said, it includes my time in elementary and high school. (except that one new chapter i'll be talking about).

 When you acknowledge your pain, you know when things can go wrong and hurt you again. 

But I know I was just in the middle when it comes to self esteem and self confidence. I was just living my life to the fullest. I was a little kid what can go wrong anyway?

(you know while writing this i started to think that my problems aren't big enough for me to grief. but i'll continue writing anyway. perhaps that's a sign i'm learning!)

//

the moment i realize i am easily hurt was when I enter the new chapter of my life.

i was transferred to a boarding school when i was 16.

big enough, huh? the monster inside me was just awaken. 

anyways,

during that period i was just figuring things out. 

it was all so new to me. 

i don't really know how to make friends, like good friends.

ever since i was a kid i don't really have people that i believe in and just close with.

hence why i was excited to have such people in my life, i thought to myself i needed this.

long story short, i learned that i will make mistakes.

it was so tough for me. homesick was really a thing for me,

i was crying every night during my first week there.

i was really doubting my decision to go there. i didn't want to go on.

there was a time when i got sick and my body temperature was high. i was just feeling like crying all the time, i felt so stressed out.

that was it.

the time i truly began to understand how pressure breaks me.

//

i lost my self confidence and self worthy, even though i didn't even realize it.

i woke up hating myself no matter how hard i tried not to.

i hated being weak, feeling weak.

it took me so long to appreciate myself.

for me, it is really really important to understand yourself first.

always understand your behavior,

why you feel such way, what can hurt you and what can't,

what is making you feel so lost and lonely,

and that is how you be and do better. 

that is what can help you in order to love yourself.

i believe that i'm not alone when i say struggle so much to forgive myself over what happened in my life.

over what caused me to evolve.

that is when i too realize i'm growing, 

i am adulting.

//

but to be honest,

most of the time, i was and am hurt by my ownself.

yes.

i allow my ownself to be hurt. 

it's when your expectations and assumptions on other people go beyond what you can actually handle.

you have to admit that happiness,

it's not something that everyone shall give you.

it's something you gain when you allow yourself to be the source of the happiness itself.

//

going back to understanding myself,

i started to learn about human's personalities.

for me it was kinda late (i was 17 at that time if i'm not mistaken, i do hope people younger than me can get exposed to it earlier)

it was the 16personalities test someone gave me.

turn out there are so much personalities for human being, if you look at it from the psychology aspect.

hence why i think not everyone has empathy.

not everyone can understand everybody else. at least not completely.

(i guess no one really does.)

you are experiencing something that another person might not be experiencing,

but all in all one might understand you despite that. 

that's especially when he or she understand how life works.

and that's okay.

that's how life works.

the more you experience things in life,

the more you embrace your struggles,

the more you endure,

the more empathy you will have for yourself, when you acknowledge and accept what you're feeling.

being ignorant might be an option but personally for me i don't want anyone else to feel hurt just as i did.

anyway i took the test,

and i happened to know i'm an introvert!

it opened doors i never could have imagined.

i began to understand myself.

//

holding on to that, i entrusted myself to regain my self confidence, and being a better person.

at least for myself.

but my foundation life was even harder. that's just another sad heart breaking story for me.

i learn like A LOT from it.

my first mental breakdown, like the worst i've felt throughout my life was during this period of time.

i was so demotivated, i hated myself so much i could have just killed myself.

i couldn't eat, i feel sick to my stomach i almost throw up. i was so sad, devastated and anxious all the time.

i was planning to go seeing a counsellor but didn't. can't remember why. i knew i had to.

my depression, stress and anxiety test result was severe. 

at that time i couldn't understand why am i feeling this way. 

i couldn't just let it go like nothing happened because something has happened.

to be frank, i couldn't really recall what triggered me to breakdown or burn out.

as i have mentioned before, i tend to forget stuffs that hurt me.

perhaps that's for a better cause.

welp in conclusion,

i learn,

to acknowledge what i'm feeling.

to appreciate myself for having a step back.

to look at a bigger picture of life, and not overthink what others might think or be doing.

to be kind.

to yourself and others.

it wasn't an easy journey and i still have a consistent feeling of stress and anxious.

but i know even though just a little how to encounter that.

now i'm a year older, a wise older than all of the things that have hurt me.

or preferably, changed me.

and of course, i wouldn't be here if it wasn't for God's blessings and strength that He has given me.

i'm so so so grateful i'm still alive. and that i don't take my own life away.

and to people who have helped me,

listened to me crying and comforted me,

watching me restless and losing appetite then buying me foods,

calling me in the middle of night just so you can listen to me studying because i was having a paper the next day,

taking me to Family Mart so i could eat ice cream,

understanding me despite whoever i was and am.

tabarakallah,

i pray for you Jannah.

(and don't worry, i'm okay now. just a disclaimer, my writing here is solely for sharing what i've been through, it's okay if you don't understand or anything)

i pray that Allah will forgive us for being so ungrateful to Him.

i know that He loves me and I'll try harder for Him.

xx,

littlekoala.